A Clutch is Not Just a Handbag

Tag Team, back again!

2010-03-26T14:14:00.004-04:00

Apparently it has taken me two years to get over Matty Pickens' departure from the Chicago Fire. Okay, maybe that's not entire true. But seeing that it's been two years I can't even think of why I abandoned this project. (Okay, maybe it was that there was way too much sports news to parse through.) Let's start over.

In fact, let's start with what this week brings: the beginning of the MLS season. The sophomore Seattle Sounders soundly (hah!) beat the first-year Philadelphia Union expansion team 2-0 yesterday. I predict that at least once this year one of the Sounders' goals will come off the head of former crush object, Nate Jacqua. I also predict that on Saturday, March 27, I and a bunch of friends will attend the New York Red Bulls' season opener at their brand new arena in Harrison, New Jersey. That's not really a prediction... I predict we will all drink beer in celebration of a new place to, um, drink beer and watch soccer.

But before that, I bring you this:
MLS commissioner, Don Garber

newsworthy

2008-02-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to enjoy my Manning-high (I cannot believe Eli beat Tom Brady! I'm flummoxed. I'm proud. My boy, Eli. The look of pride on his brother Peyton's face...) when I read that Matt Pickens of the Chicago Fire (my soccer-boyfriend) has signed with Queens Park Rangers of the Championship. (Note: Footballer turned actor Vinnie Jones used to play for QPR until 1999. The previous year was his film debut and the year following he was already in Snatch. Perhaps Pickens has designs on a similar career trajectory?)

Not only that but I hear a rumor that he's married a French girl in the off-season. When I went on MySpace to see if his page said anything, it was deleted.

What fresh hell is this?

More later... Must. Gather. Thoughts.

Kenny Irons

2008-01-07T14:04:00.000-05:00

The birth of a new year should bring us members (hopefully good looking) of various teams in their birthday suits. Since I am without that resource at the moment, I will share with you something very special.

Kenny Irons, an injured rookie Running Back from the Cincinnati Bengals, wearing a provocative outfit. No doubt he is wearing this getup so that his recuperative stretching is easier to do... right? The "Rocket Pop!" shirt is pretty suggestive, though the tight, short-shorts contradict the message.

Looks like he took fashion advice from Chris Cooley.

Muttonchops No More

2007-12-21T16:40:00.000-05:00

I'm of two minds on (American) football players being mic-ed. The sounds of the players crashing into each other and grunting doesn't do much for me. However, hearing snippets of some sideline conversations make it worth it.

San Diego ("which of course in German means a whale's vagina") Chargers' beatdown (51-14) of the Detroit Lions on Sunday, December 16, left the Chargers with time enough for a social hour. Shaun Phillips, #95, took it upon himself to instruct teammate Kassim Osgood, # 81 (right), on proper hair styling.

Shaun: "Whoever cut your sideburns... don't let them do them like that ever again. I just have no side burns, though. Sideburns played out, O.K.? Just come to a teeny point at the top."

I don't know, Shaun, I've definitely seen worse sideburns. Kassim's are a bit thin, though, and he probably would look good with them trimmed up to the top of his ear. But not with this weird "teeny point" you're talking about. What's that?

Fabio Capello

2007-12-17T13:43:00.000-05:00

You've got to hand it to the new coach of England's football/soccer team, Fabio Capello, his glasses are at least colorful.

Son of a Nutcracker

2007-12-07T10:31:00.000-05:00

Admittedly, this isn't about fashion but it is about sports... kinda.

Something I love about American Soccer/MLS is that most of the players are accessible. (With the exception of Beckham, of course.) Maybe it's because it's not as famous (yet!) as football or baseball here. It thrills me that I can befriend Matt Pickens on MySpace and that he did actually respond when I messaged him. I have a feed for Chris Rolfe's Blog set up too. (Both of the Chicago Fire and mentioned previously in this blog.)

Because of that feed and because Chris and various Fire team-members have sense of humors, I bring you some holiday cheer. (It has sound and is work-safe, though I recommend not drinking while watching to avoid snarfing hot coffee.) I'm still trying decide which of the four is my favorite.

On the fashion side, I happen to have a pair of red and white knee socks that I wear in the holiday season. I think it's cute on me. Then again, I'm also a girl.

Ron Jaworski, ESPN Analyst

2007-12-04T10:55:00.000-05:00

Ron Jaworski, formerly of the Phildadelphia Eagles (but we won't hold that against him... too much), the Rams, the Chiefs, and currently of "ESPN Monday Night Football" and "NFL Match-up", had some pretty stereotypical glasses.

See them there? They're rectangular, wire framed, pretty standard. There's something about these glasses, the hair, and the suit that just screams "former-football-player-now-analyst." He just looks so, well, generic. He could be anyone. He could be a slightly-cooler version of John Madden. (I almost called him "Steve Madden" but that's a brand of shoes. A brand of shoes which I doubt he's wearing, but I can't see them in this picture. I bet his are a basic three hole, black lace-up loafer, which is totally fine... as long as they don't suck.)

But Jaworski has moved up in the world with a spanking pair of new glasses! There, sandwiched between some other guys, is Jaworski sporting some geek-chic specs. They've got a nice thick, black band across the top and at the corners, and the bottom of the lenses are unsupported. Even his suit is of better quality and style! Either ESPN hired a good stylist or he started reading GQ. Whichever it is, this a whole new Jaworski.

Just because you played football in the 80's doesn't mean you have to maintain that style. As Wayne from Wayne's World would say "Live in the now!" Which Jaworkski is indeed doing.

Portis(head)

2007-12-03T16:39:00.000-05:00

I think the teammate gazing lovingly at Chris Cooley's bum in the previous post is none other than Clinton Portis. Which Clinton Portis? Take your pick...

Two-Face from Batman?

The Gay Blade?

Dennis Rodman?

It/Bozo? (I hate clowns, by the way.)

Can someone please find me a picture of Joseph Addai's pants from Sunday's game? I heard we saw his underpants and that's gotta be good for this blog.

Aside: My sympathies to the Redskin fans re: Sean Taylor.

Nair for short shorts!

2007-11-28T11:06:00.000-05:00

Who wears short shorts?

Chris Cooley (Washington Redskins) wears short shorts!

Look at the look on his teammate's face! He sure does appreciate Chris' glutes. It reminds me of Matt Stone's character in Orgazmo: "Dude, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think you got a hot ass!"

He also, apparently, bathes with Jeff Reed. Although, this almost looks more like bedhead and lack of conditioner than electro-shock.

Nice hair, Chris!

Jeff Reed, Pittsburgh Kicker

2007-11-28T10:38:00.000-05:00

I found more bad hair this week, but this time in the NFL. I was watching the "dramatic" conclusion of Monday night's Steelers-Dolphins game when they showed the headshot of the Steelers' kicker, Jeff Reed. The man looks like he stuck his finger in an electric socket. It's amazing... how does he get his helmet on over that?

Doing a quick Google Image search for him also yields this picture from a site that I'm sure to have a field day with, DrunkAthlete.com. (I'd be willing to bet they have the Eli Manning kareoke night pictures, too.)

I also found a previous headshot of Jeff Reed. How did he go from helmet-ready to Yahoo Serious?

Seriously, Jeff... Put down the gel. Walk away from the mousse. Nothing good can come from the "I took a bath with my hair dryer" look.

soccer mullets!

2007-11-27T16:45:00.000-05:00

Another post so soon? Shouldn't I be working? Yes and yes, but I wanted to illustrate what you'll see here.

When I first started following the Chicago Fire, I was enamored of Nate Jaqua. But he left us for L.A. Galaxy (then Toronto FC... and Houston Dynamo (congratulations!)), so I needed a new soccer boyfriend (see #3 on Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz's list). I found one in Matty Pickens. The previous year Matt "Slim" Pickens was overlooked because of his very bad hair (left). He used to wear it with a headband, too. And he wasn't the only one! Poor Chris Rolfe (right) had the "soccer hair" as well. I know I've seen it around MLS and around the world. It's like a bad mullet. Wait, are there good mullets?

But something must have happened in the off-season. Perhaps the boys met some girls who were looking out for their best interests. Or maybe they just realized it was easier to play soccer without all that hair in their faces. To our left is Matty looking oh-so-lovely while he kisses his posts (a pre-game ritual). He has this other pre-game ritual of stretching that I adore as well. There's this one stretch that gets this girl all twitterpaited. (He also runs a travel agency so if you need a cruise, he's your man. I'll buy one from him if he comes with me.)

But enough about Matty Pickens! I swear the rest of the posts will be, um, less lustful and more "critique."

Welcome!

2007-11-27T16:18:00.000-05:00

How I started to ~~like~~ tolerate American Football...

Almost four years ago, I met a man who loved the Chicago Bears. When we were first dating it was easy: if he wanted to watch his beloved Chicago Bears I would, well, do something else. But once cohabitation happened, the NFL season became unavoidable.

So he struck a deal: I'll cuddle you if we watch football.

It seemed harmless enough, but soon I wanted to know what was going on. (Damn you innate curiosity!) He started explaining the basics and I started making up my own interpretations. Especially for the referee calls. The "false start" motion became "Bossanova!" Someone called on "holding"? Oh no, that was now "fisting." Thankfully my male, football-watching friends find this amusing enough.

That's about as far as I've gotten with the NFL, though. What I've really sunk my teeth into is American Soccer/MLS. How did that happen? Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz, a guest blogger on Luis Arroyave's Red Card blog, sums it up rather nicely in today's post. She nails it and I swear she asked my boyfriend how he did it! In these five ways I've become a Chicago Fire fan. But that's another post for another day (or maybe an article one day).

Why did I tell you all this? Bascially because you need to know that I am not a typical sports fan. I create my own color commentary (as alluded to above) and find myself snarking about the players' hair, jewelry, shoes, etc. I don't always understand the game but I know bad hair when I see it.